the IRL is for prn
by Felindra
Summary: In which Milo learns to never trust Kanon and is a ninja at hiding inappropriate reactions when faced with his favourite ... adult movies star.


**Disclaimer** : none of the Saint Seiya characters are my creation, they're all Kurumada's

Ratings: nothing smutty despite the title, except for some mentions of porn.

 **Notes** : Hi y'all! After a bit of a dry spell, I'm trying my hand with another Saint Seiya fanfic. To my usual followers: yep, this fic is in English! To the new readers: this is what happens when after reading some StS G: Assassin update, my mind goes through a very complicated path: I end up with ...this.

Enjoy le désastre!

* * *

 **The IRL is for porn**

Locked in the passenger seat of Kanon's always too hot car on a Saturday morning, Milo was definitively NOT whining.

"What am I doing here? When did I lose control of my life? When did I accept to do something before 2 PM on a WEEK-END? I'm getting old, Kanon, old and responsible and helpful! You promised never to let me become that, you betrayed me you bastard!"

"Come on, you'll get a free pizza out of this, stop being a baby."

"I'm not being a baby, I'm the only one of your friends that agreed to help you with the move of your brother's friend today, which makes me your best friend at the moment, and as such I invoke my right to "moderately" bitch about every decision you make that include ME. "

Kanon was grinning. Because he was a sadist that enjoyed the suffering others, especially that of a very good friend like Milo.

"See, that's why I asked you. You're funnier than Shura and much less bitchy than Aphrodite."

"And Angelo couldn't come?"

"Saga doesn't trust him. Because he is a bit psychotic and broke some ageless and priceless grandfather clock at the last party…"

"Wait, you mean that Saga trusts YOU instead with something that doesn't belong to you?!"

"Of course! Why wouldn't my sweet, dear, loving brother trust me?"

A silence.

That went on many seconds.

Kanon's pout became more pronounced the longer it went on as Milo silently counted on his fingers the number of occasions where Kanon had been the back-stabbing, irresponsible, creative, hilarious and scamming asshole his brother knew he was.

Not that Milo complained, as it had resulted in the best nights of his life, and once you got to know Kanon a bit, he could also be a great and loyal friend. (You just never turned your back to him because he could steal take your wallet and buy himself a jacuzzi with it.)

"Let me guess, he planted some tracking devices on the cardboard boxes, didn't he?"

"…Yup."

It was Milo's turn to grin and Kanon's turn to make a face.

"Shura refused to take them out. Nerdy asshole. But the Italian chick who works at Saga's office is worth all of this. You should see her, she's got these legs…!"

Kanon went on about how said kick-ass lady could crush his head between her legs and Milo joined in with suggestions and crass jokes that made them both laugh, distracting him from the reason they were here in the first place: to bring these stupid cardboard boxes to the place where Saga's friend had just moved in, so Kanon could earn some favors from his brother (and the girl by proxy) and Milo could get his free pizza. Milo hoped the guy they "agreed" to help wasn't too much of an ass, but he couldn't help but have some doubts on that.

Seriously, what sort of guy calls himself Camus?

* * *

As Kanon was parking the car, Milo whistled at the nice apartment building, located in one of the upper-class districts of the city.

"Okay, he's definitively Saga's friend: rich, bookish, nerdy, with a pretentious author's name and eats meals worth twice my salary."

"He's an actor or something like that", said Kanon with a strange smile as he opened the trunk and, because he was Kanon and therefore a jerk, took the two smallest boxes and left the bigger one for Milo. That made him frown but the box smelled faintly of lavender (even if it seemed to contain books?) and it was pretty nice.

"You met him before?"

"Yup, he goes to the same book club as Saga and visits us almost every week. And as a bonus, he's pretty cute.", Kanon said with a wink to Milo, "I'm sure you'll like him."

"You know that being bisexual doesn't mean I want to jump the bones of every single guy that exists, right?"

Kanon didn't answer, simply grinned a bit more and called the elevator. Milo followed with a puzzled look. Okay, it had been a while since he'd got laid and it was true that he didn't have very high standards but still… Kanon had an idea on his mind, and when that happened and you didn't know what it was, it was never a good sign for you.

Yet nothing happened during the elevator ride, or while they were walking down the corridor leading to Camus' apartment, or while Kanon was ringing the bell and Milo was waiting for the ugly four-eyes nerd he had been picturing since he got out of bed too early this morning (when Kanon had broken into his tiny flat and ripped his sheets off the bed yelling "Wake up, fuckboy, I need your help!") to open the door.

The door opened. Camus showed up.

And then everything went downhill very fast.

Because right there, was a face that he knew very well, although in Milo's memories it was not wearing reading glasses and was covered in cum or panting or making delicious moans while getting sucked and/or pounded into and fuck, the name he associated with this face had nothing to do with Camus-the-rich-friend-of-Saga he had imagined.

" _Ganymede_?!"

* * *

Milo liked to think he was smarter than what most people thought.

For example, right now, he was in front of his favorite porn actor. Someone he had been watching so much in so many different sexual situations that he had developed some Pavlovian reaction or some shit that made him rock hard as soon as he saw those beautiful dark blue eyes and that delicate face and those long bondi blue (yes he had looked what this nuance was called) hair of that guy called Ganymede in all his favourite porn movies.

Just like right now.

And in the middle of the dozens of thought that were flying through his mind , among which _Kanon you bastard you knew about this I'm going to kill you_ , _HOLY SHIT GANYMEDE I'M IN FRONT OF GANYMEDE_ , _shit shit shit not now not now down the Scorpion down, oh fuck I didn't even talk to him he's gonna think I'm a pervert_ , O _mygod he's so cute he's so fucking cute even when he frowns he's even cuter than in_ _"Snowfuck_ " _and he was like 19 in it_ , and _goddamnit he's frowning at me I can't let him see my boner_ were the most prominent, along with the many squees repeating the nickname of this perfect actor with this perfect body , he managed to analyse the situation and asserted that:

1)He had a visible boner  
2)Said boner was thankfully hidden by the big box he was holding  
3)Said box had could not be kept against his crotch forever as he was supposed to put it down at some point.

So he did what seemed the best course of action: he let the box fall down at his feet and immediately dropped on his knees and grabbed the hands of his idol:

"Oh my god, Ganymede, can I have an autograph?! It's such an honour to finally meet you! I'm your biggest fan, I love all of your work, especially in-"

"Putain, mes bouquins!"

And Camus dropped to his knees too, but for him it was to check if the box Milo was holding hadn't been damaged by the fall, and he looked so adorably nerdy and distressed and so different from his usual (porny) persona that it….didn't help Milo's, ahem, "situation" at all.

Especially since he'd forgot to let go of one of Milo's hands.

(Kanon was laughing his ass off somewhere in the background. Milo was soooo going to kill him later)

Finally Ganyme- no, _Camus_ stopped cradling up every one of his old books like they were his children who'd scrapped their knees falling down, probably realized how they looked like (both kneeling across a box and still holding each other's hand) and readjusted his glasses as he stood up.

"Hem. I'm sorry about this ridiculous display, I am very attached to those books and was afraid for a moment that …I don't think I know you, Mr…?"

"Milo, and this asshole behind me never told me I was going to help my favourite porn actor, but god I'm so glad I did, I finally got to meet you, it's like a dream come true!"

And Camus _blushed_.  
Not a sexy provocative porn blush, an embarrassed shy blush…which, as cute as it was, made him realize that he might look a teeny tiny bit creepy.

"I didn't mean to embarrass you but I really admire you, like, you're an awesome actor that make so many situations that would look ridiculous so real and so exciting even after watching them a thousand times and even after you moved on from porn I watched your other roles, I really loved _Diamond Dust_ , your performance made me cry."

There was still the bit of embarrassment on Camus' face but it was mixed with a bit of pride and sadness when Milo mentioned that indie movie from some years ago that almost no one knew about, especially after it made a monumental flop.

(Stupid, stupid Milo, of course Camus was just a nickname, if Kanon had said Gabriel Loiseau of course he would have recognized the name, but hell he was more used to Ganymede, his brain tended to react more quickly to sex than culture)

Camus smiled a bit sadly:

"Well, the critics don't agree with you, seeing how they enjoyed picking every single fault and over-analyze them, as well as my …previous career choices."

"Fuck them. And fuck the production, they really screwed you over this film by changing and censoring half of the director's work, your performance was amazing by itself and if the original script had been kept, even an idiot could have seen how mind-blowing it was! The passion that you put into this role, that's the saving grace of the film!"

"Oh, I'm not that good. Even the final cut could have been interesting with a better actor. I was too inexperienced for this role…too 'fresh out of porn', as the press liked to remind everyone." Camus said with a bitterness that was clearly still as fresh as the first time he had read said reviews.

"Yeah, I read the critics too and they're bullshit. You were a porn actor, and a very good one, doesn't mean you don't have tal- "

"Woops, I forgot to tell you, I need to leave right now so unless you want to spend the night here, we need to go", Kanon said with the biggest hypocritical grin on his face.

Milo made a little distressed noise. The bastard. To arrange this meeting just to make him leave right after, what kind of monster would do that?

If only Milo didn't need him to go home because he had no car and hadn't thought of taking money with him and didn't even know in what part of the city they were, maybe he could have continued his discussion with Camus.

Camus who seemed to notice only now the presence of Kanon and seemed embarrassed to have another person witnessing this scene.

"Oh yes, I have my own business to attend too and….enfin bref…Give Saga my best regards and thank you for bringing me my books" Camus mumbled while picking up his books and starting to retreat into his flat.

Milo felt his heart die a little.

In a desperate move he cried out "Milo! Mavrommatis! That'll be all my treat!"

Camus stopped in his movement and looked back at Milo like he was clearly doubting his mental stability ( _way to make a good impression, dumbass_ )

"De quoi?"

"Milo, that's my name. Mavrommatis, that's my favourite restaurant. A Greek one. Best in the city. I'll pay the bill. I mean, if you're okay to have lunch there. Only if you want. Of course. You know. To talk about you-I mean, you see what I mean."

There was an awkward silence (except for the muffled giggles of Kanon behind them. Oh, Milo was _so_ going to kill him). Still, Camus didn't slam his door on them and even leaned forward, squinting at him like he was evaluating the pro and cons of such a proposition.

" _All_ the bill?"

"Yeah, of course!"

"No matter the price?"

Which Milo translated by _I'll pick the most expensive dishes and you'll eat nothing but noodles 'till the next pay_ but he still nodded with enthusiasm.

Another moment of silence and Milo closed his eyes, waiting for the inevitable excuse Oh I'm sorry I'm too busy…

"Friday at 7pm. And be sure I'll check the reputation of the restaurant beforehand."

Milo opened his eyes quickly, barely believing what he just heard.

"Wait, you mean…?"

"I'm new around here", Camus shrugged, "and even if you are only a horny virgin only interested in my sexual performances on camera, I don't mind having a free meal and some company to learn about the city. See you on Friday."

On these kind words, Camus retreated one last time in his flat and closed the door, leaving the two friends in the corridor.

Then he reopened the door and grabbed the two smaller boxes that Kanon had carried and said "I hope you'll be worth my time" before closing the door again.

* * *

Still stunned and with a huge grin on his face, Milo wasn't sure how exactly they ended up back in the elevator but when he came back to his senses, he threw his fists in the air and roared " _YESSSS!_ I got a date WITH FUCKING GANYMEDE!"

"You still have a boner", Kanon said matter-of-factly.

Milo punched him.

Very hard.

In the face.


End file.
